Once upon a time I used to yearn for my special someone to spend some time each night to work through unpacking my heart with me. And I wished he would unpack his heart with me - to give this unpacking importance, and to trust me with his heart. But sometimes spiritual and emotional blockages stand in the way, and those lofty expectations for a deep and spiritually evolved partnership laid dormant under the everyday struggle of raising children as a solo-parent, years of feeling chronically unseen, and navigating married life with unevolved emotional coping mechanisms.
Fast forward to the recent past, fast and furiously a man came into my life and swept me right off my feet with his willingness to talk about his emotions, and even shared my dream of finding that one person to resonate with and grow with in becoming a better person each day. I looked back at years of regret and asked myself if I could go back to the life I had lived and live it for the rest of my life. I had a chance to escape this discontent, to chase a new love that came on so fervently and strong.. So I left my marriage to jump in deep, to do what I couldn’t as a married woman.
I sacrificed many things to chase this dream - an intact family for my children, my troubled but steadfast relationship with my best friend whom I had grown up with, who first got me started with thinking about thinking at fourteen. Someone I had known for half my life, someone whom I could call on and spam text anytime, someone who has weathered through all sides of me, someone whose arms I could run to, fall apart and tremble in, naked and naked in vulnerability. Someone who’s seen all my ugly and still loved me (even though he didn’t know how to show it in my love language).
I gave that all up. Because there was an adventure I needed to chase. The promise of happy. The promise of harmony and an equal partnership. The promise of having a partner who would smile back at you. The promise of everyday tenderness that hung like unreachable candy for all those years, finally within reach. And we know how that story goes. The chase, and the bait and switch. Except that it’s never as simple as it sounds, because when you love somebody you believe them with all your heart - that they never intended to hurt you, no matter how much their actions and non-actions have brought you pain.
And when that pain came, I broke out each night in hives all over my body. I still battle with hives even today. Pained by upheaval and absence, I found myself unable to get out of bed each morning, fighting sleep each night, and struggled to stay focused at chasing my work and studies. I lost a job, a marriage and work opportunities during that time. Friends came along to pull me to out of that terrible sadness, terrible loneliness, and that terrible mess I had found myself in.
Thank you my friends, to the old friends who cared, and the new friends who have come in to support me through this time. I am truly grateful to all the kindred souls who have offered me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold, and those who believed my story (and our story) even when I was a battered, confused mess, which I sometimes still am.
From here on, I will use this space to unpack my heart, for I cannot let trauma shrink the love I have to give to the world. My heart needs to beat steadily again for my children and the people whom I care about in this world. And my energy needs some cleaning out so my naive heart can continue to chase love and happiness, boldly and undeterred.
The only thing I can do to repay this kindness the world has shown me, is to be the best version of myself, and let my light shine so others can believe in love too.
With or without a hand to hold or arms to tremble in, I can still unpack my heart.
