To neither resist nor attach yourself to people and things,
To simply glide past each person, whether worthy or not worthy of seeking out.. and just slip away.. as if we’re all floating in time and space.
Thinking about people and attraction..
Sometimes people come to you because they feel for you - it could be need, attraction, resonance, habit, convenience or even sympathy..
Sometimes we fend people off (or we let them slip) - because our energies are dissonant - but with what? With our shadow selves, fears, values, beliefs, judgement, expectations and perhaps our bigger aspirations for our lives.
When their pictures of tomorrow have no place for you - is there a blind spot in their picture making to be excluding others, or is it just you trying to photobomb another person’s image of heaven?
Some pictures are better left sparse and minimal, and that’s okay.
Some pictures are all-inclusive, colourful, a mish-mash of everything, and that’s okay.
No one’s holding you close, but no one is pushing you away - you’re just an experience they don’t need today.
Some people are minimalists when it comes to people, and some are maximalists.. and it’s not for you to dwell or worry about.. because life is sometimes cruel - in the shifting and restructuring of our lives, we drift, we make choices, we move on.
As we feel the fading and drifting apart, I believe in keeping memories someplace in my heart, with a sort of gratitude that does not make light of the moments we shared.. a deeply-felt, mature sort of gratitude, so tender and kind it does not waver through the five stages of grief, and never claims to forget.
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Same time, same place
I said happy birthday because I want you to know that real exists - that realness does not vanish with absence.
Every time I reach out, it’s to tell you that I care and will always care, and this care is unconditional, no matter much hurt your actions and inaction has brought me. I see it for what it is, and understand why you make these choices. I’d say in my soft voice, it’s okay. I’d hold your face in my hands and tell you in all tenderness that it’s okay. Because when you love someone, it’s really okay.
I’ll still do the same things even when everything else tells me you’ve abandoned ship. I’ll follow through with old promises - like our promise of friendship. I’ll sit at the coffee shop and wait, because it’s a motion I must go through - I will not let pride or insecurity get in the way of my resolve to feel what I need to feel, and do what my heart knows it must do.
So I will go, unflinchingly, because it means so much for me to be sitting there in that moment in time, because I said I would. It’s my way of saying to the you who believes, and the you who no longer believes.. that you mean this much to me, and that will never change.
I’ll be there - in surrender to the weight of hope, loss and acceptance that I feel in equal measure.
I’ll sit there for the longest 15 minutes I’ll ever know, and it will pass.. the way you have passed on us, and the same way time has passed and will continue to pass.
I will not absent myself. I’ll be there again in the next year, and the next.
It’s my way of saying, I’ll always be here.
Every time I reach out, it’s to tell you that I care and will always care, and this care is unconditional, no matter much hurt your actions and inaction has brought me. I see it for what it is, and understand why you make these choices. I’d say in my soft voice, it’s okay. I’d hold your face in my hands and tell you in all tenderness that it’s okay. Because when you love someone, it’s really okay.
I’ll still do the same things even when everything else tells me you’ve abandoned ship. I’ll follow through with old promises - like our promise of friendship. I’ll sit at the coffee shop and wait, because it’s a motion I must go through - I will not let pride or insecurity get in the way of my resolve to feel what I need to feel, and do what my heart knows it must do.
So I will go, unflinchingly, because it means so much for me to be sitting there in that moment in time, because I said I would. It’s my way of saying to the you who believes, and the you who no longer believes.. that you mean this much to me, and that will never change.
I’ll be there - in surrender to the weight of hope, loss and acceptance that I feel in equal measure.
I’ll sit there for the longest 15 minutes I’ll ever know, and it will pass.. the way you have passed on us, and the same way time has passed and will continue to pass.
I will not absent myself. I’ll be there again in the next year, and the next.
It’s my way of saying, I’ll always be here.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
On singlehood, and life paths
It is the most pitiful thing to not want what you have.
You can be a monk or have a harem - or you could be a man with a wife.
There is beauty in the extremes, and there is beauty in the everyday.
The man who treasures the woman he has by his side, has what the monk and the man with the harem will never have.
If you choose monkhood, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
If you choose the harem, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
If you choose a wife, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
Whatever you do, delve deep - for there is a harem in a woman, as there is marriage in monkhood.
You can be a monk or have a harem - or you could be a man with a wife.
There is beauty in the extremes, and there is beauty in the everyday.
The man who treasures the woman he has by his side, has what the monk and the man with the harem will never have.
If you choose monkhood, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
If you choose the harem, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
If you choose a wife, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
Whatever you do, delve deep - for there is a harem in a woman, as there is marriage in monkhood.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Thoughts on dying
If I should be diagnosed with cancer, I’ll consider myself saved today.
Because dying of cancer allows you time to plan and make good everything before your departure.
Things like children, family, finances, and inner work..
I’d make sure no one inherits my education loan, and that there is a plan for my children, and that I complete my work work, and inner work so I leave the world with a clean footprint.
It can be a blessing to live out your last days knowingly - to allow yourself to pause and quiet, and peacefully gaze at the line of candles in front of you each day as your meditate on life, past, present, future.. and you know, do things..
Things like reading a book.
Things like resting in bed.
Things like reading to your children and writing to their future selves.
I’d write a page for all the situations in life they may ever encounter so they will never have to feel too alone.
Should I die of cancer, I’d be like my auntie Alice.. I’d face it in quiet, in solitude and late night conversations to whoever cares to pick up on the other side..
In my moment of death, I’d like to die alone. I’d hold myself, knowing it’s more comforting to die alone, than in the arms of anyone who’s failed to love you truly, madly, completely. And when you yourself have failed as a lover, then it’s truly better to die alone. This carries no guilt nor shame, only a stoic understanding that it is what it is. I want to experience it fully, what it feels like to die alone, with no hand to hold - because it is the ugliest thing to claw for the remnants of any feeling that has long gone.
In moments like that the people who cry and claw are those who again act out of fear - this time projecting their own fears of life and loss, wrapped up in a moment of holding you.
To let a poor kind of love nourish you at your deathbed, that’s worse than being a beggar (at least beggars only beg for compassion). And I’m done begging for love. I will not beg, and I will not accept a love any lesser than the glorious sort of love I believe in. Even if it means I shall never have it.
Because dying of cancer allows you time to plan and make good everything before your departure.
Things like children, family, finances, and inner work..
I’d make sure no one inherits my education loan, and that there is a plan for my children, and that I complete my work work, and inner work so I leave the world with a clean footprint.
It can be a blessing to live out your last days knowingly - to allow yourself to pause and quiet, and peacefully gaze at the line of candles in front of you each day as your meditate on life, past, present, future.. and you know, do things..
Things like reading a book.
Things like resting in bed.
Things like reading to your children and writing to their future selves.
I’d write a page for all the situations in life they may ever encounter so they will never have to feel too alone.
Should I die of cancer, I’d be like my auntie Alice.. I’d face it in quiet, in solitude and late night conversations to whoever cares to pick up on the other side..
In my moment of death, I’d like to die alone. I’d hold myself, knowing it’s more comforting to die alone, than in the arms of anyone who’s failed to love you truly, madly, completely. And when you yourself have failed as a lover, then it’s truly better to die alone. This carries no guilt nor shame, only a stoic understanding that it is what it is. I want to experience it fully, what it feels like to die alone, with no hand to hold - because it is the ugliest thing to claw for the remnants of any feeling that has long gone.
In moments like that the people who cry and claw are those who again act out of fear - this time projecting their own fears of life and loss, wrapped up in a moment of holding you.
To let a poor kind of love nourish you at your deathbed, that’s worse than being a beggar (at least beggars only beg for compassion). And I’m done begging for love. I will not beg, and I will not accept a love any lesser than the glorious sort of love I believe in. Even if it means I shall never have it.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
How might a commitment-free sexual exchange value-add or detract from your lived experience?
What I expect to receive at a base level in a sexual exchange:
- Physical gratification (to engage in fair, skilful exchange and extended pleasure)
- Physical intimacy (before/during/after)
- Respect for women - there is a basic level of respect in terms of consent but there is another level which is one’s attitude towards women and how evolved or warped one’s understanding of the male-female dynamic is, how one’s concept of the feminine is represented, and how it resonates with those of my own.
- An understanding that this is not about scoring, gameplay, and chalking of experience with a particular subset of people which I can be categorised into.
- To have your body appreciated and be seen as beautiful and the flaws it carries as a mark of your journey as a person, with no shame or judgment.
- Positive regard towards each other, and for the other to be appreciative that I have chosen to share my body with him/her in that moment.
What I envision as a deep spiritual and sexual connection:
- Exploration of all your undisclosed desires, kinks and fantasies in a safe space, with the language, connection, openness and trust established to unpack it later.
- To love passionately, fearlessly and shamelessly.
- To spend your life in sacred union with a man who treasures the depth of connection to be had and is committed to honouring and deepening the sacredness of this experience by sharing his life with you (and only you).
- That you become enough woman for this man, and this man becomes enough man for you.
- To explore all that is man and woman in me, and all that is man and woman in the other.
- To see the woman in the man, and the man in the woman.
- To see yourself in this person, and to see that person in you.
- To grow together individually, and also as one.
- To explore all there is to explore and deepen all there is to deepen.
- To love a soul in all its light and shadow.
- To love a body into death and decay.
- To create a safe space where sexual healing can happen - where untold fears and old traumas can be opened, journeyed through and made new meaning with in the arms of a supportive lover.
- To hold unconditional space for all the other person is, and support them towards realising their highest dreams and living out the most fulfilling life they can live.
- To look into the eyes of someone who means the world to you, and know you mean the world to them, as your bodies lock as one in wild and tender passion.
- To know that no one else can do.
How might a commitment-free sexual exchange value-add to my lived experience?
- Building experience and skill with different individuals.
- Openness to the lessons or gifts others have to give in exchange.
How might a commitment-free sexual exchange detract from my lived experience?
- Sharing your energies and loving someone takes time and effort, and when not careful, this energy can be misplaced, or become displaced.
- It can lead to a habit of attachment or detachment. Sex ultimately is about building an intimate connection and it makes no sense to do it in a detached manner, or share that space with just anyone.
- One remembers all the lovers they have loved in the past, and the space for sexual memories need to be protected so only those with purity of intent and the highest love towards you should be allowed to enter your sacred space and leave their imprint.
Unpack your heart
Once upon a time I used to yearn for my special someone to spend some time each night to work through unpacking my heart with me. And I wished he would unpack his heart with me - to give this unpacking importance, and to trust me with his heart. But sometimes spiritual and emotional blockages stand in the way, and those lofty expectations for a deep and spiritually evolved partnership laid dormant under the everyday struggle of raising children as a solo-parent, years of feeling chronically unseen, and navigating married life with unevolved emotional coping mechanisms.
Fast forward to the recent past, fast and furiously a man came into my life and swept me right off my feet with his willingness to talk about his emotions, and even shared my dream of finding that one person to resonate with and grow with in becoming a better person each day. I looked back at years of regret and asked myself if I could go back to the life I had lived and live it for the rest of my life. I had a chance to escape this discontent, to chase a new love that came on so fervently and strong.. So I left my marriage to jump in deep, to do what I couldn’t as a married woman.
I sacrificed many things to chase this dream - an intact family for my children, my troubled but steadfast relationship with my best friend whom I had grown up with, who first got me started with thinking about thinking at fourteen. Someone I had known for half my life, someone whom I could call on and spam text anytime, someone who has weathered through all sides of me, someone whose arms I could run to, fall apart and tremble in, naked and naked in vulnerability. Someone who’s seen all my ugly and still loved me (even though he didn’t know how to show it in my love language).
I gave that all up. Because there was an adventure I needed to chase. The promise of happy. The promise of harmony and an equal partnership. The promise of having a partner who would smile back at you. The promise of everyday tenderness that hung like unreachable candy for all those years, finally within reach. And we know how that story goes. The chase, and the bait and switch. Except that it’s never as simple as it sounds, because when you love somebody you believe them with all your heart - that they never intended to hurt you, no matter how much their actions and non-actions have brought you pain.
And when that pain came, I broke out each night in hives all over my body. I still battle with hives even today. Pained by upheaval and absence, I found myself unable to get out of bed each morning, fighting sleep each night, and struggled to stay focused at chasing my work and studies. I lost a job, a marriage and work opportunities during that time. Friends came along to pull me to out of that terrible sadness, terrible loneliness, and that terrible mess I had found myself in.
Thank you my friends, to the old friends who cared, and the new friends who have come in to support me through this time. I am truly grateful to all the kindred souls who have offered me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold, and those who believed my story (and our story) even when I was a battered, confused mess, which I sometimes still am.
From here on, I will use this space to unpack my heart, for I cannot let trauma shrink the love I have to give to the world. My heart needs to beat steadily again for my children and the people whom I care about in this world. And my energy needs some cleaning out so my naive heart can continue to chase love and happiness, boldly and undeterred.
The only thing I can do to repay this kindness the world has shown me, is to be the best version of myself, and let my light shine so others can believe in love too.
With or without a hand to hold or arms to tremble in, I can still unpack my heart.
Fast forward to the recent past, fast and furiously a man came into my life and swept me right off my feet with his willingness to talk about his emotions, and even shared my dream of finding that one person to resonate with and grow with in becoming a better person each day. I looked back at years of regret and asked myself if I could go back to the life I had lived and live it for the rest of my life. I had a chance to escape this discontent, to chase a new love that came on so fervently and strong.. So I left my marriage to jump in deep, to do what I couldn’t as a married woman.
I sacrificed many things to chase this dream - an intact family for my children, my troubled but steadfast relationship with my best friend whom I had grown up with, who first got me started with thinking about thinking at fourteen. Someone I had known for half my life, someone whom I could call on and spam text anytime, someone who has weathered through all sides of me, someone whose arms I could run to, fall apart and tremble in, naked and naked in vulnerability. Someone who’s seen all my ugly and still loved me (even though he didn’t know how to show it in my love language).
I gave that all up. Because there was an adventure I needed to chase. The promise of happy. The promise of harmony and an equal partnership. The promise of having a partner who would smile back at you. The promise of everyday tenderness that hung like unreachable candy for all those years, finally within reach. And we know how that story goes. The chase, and the bait and switch. Except that it’s never as simple as it sounds, because when you love somebody you believe them with all your heart - that they never intended to hurt you, no matter how much their actions and non-actions have brought you pain.
And when that pain came, I broke out each night in hives all over my body. I still battle with hives even today. Pained by upheaval and absence, I found myself unable to get out of bed each morning, fighting sleep each night, and struggled to stay focused at chasing my work and studies. I lost a job, a marriage and work opportunities during that time. Friends came along to pull me to out of that terrible sadness, terrible loneliness, and that terrible mess I had found myself in.
Thank you my friends, to the old friends who cared, and the new friends who have come in to support me through this time. I am truly grateful to all the kindred souls who have offered me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold, and those who believed my story (and our story) even when I was a battered, confused mess, which I sometimes still am.
From here on, I will use this space to unpack my heart, for I cannot let trauma shrink the love I have to give to the world. My heart needs to beat steadily again for my children and the people whom I care about in this world. And my energy needs some cleaning out so my naive heart can continue to chase love and happiness, boldly and undeterred.
The only thing I can do to repay this kindness the world has shown me, is to be the best version of myself, and let my light shine so others can believe in love too.
With or without a hand to hold or arms to tremble in, I can still unpack my heart.
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